Discipline

“My child doesn't behave this well for me” is probably the number one statement/ complaint I've heard in my career no matter what school I was working at. Usually followed by “how do you get him/her to do it?!”

I don't think parents realize how much time it would take to get them to understand how I function and how I expect the kids to function, but regardless I'll offer up some helpful tips that may or may not work with your child. 

The first thought you need to vanish from your mind is that your child is bad. They aren't. You might hate the way the act or the things they do with a passion that can only be trumped by Saran but children and people aren't what they do. Two separate planets. 

Do I believe it's possible for children to be innately bad? Absolutely. There are adults who are innately bad and they didn't just pop out their mother adult sized. 

More importantly and more easily proven is that children are products of their environment. Positive or negative. 

I also find a child’s actions are a direct reflection of that child's environment as well. 

NO! I do not mean all parents everywhere are turning their children into “bad people” or demonstrating unwanted behaviors before them. I'm simply stating the route of the problem is usually firmly planted at home and with a few changes and absolute follow through these behaviors could leassen or disappear. 

So here goes:

First and foremost- DON’T GIVE YOUR CHILD A TIME OUT! They don't work. If they did I'd be teaching perfect Angels and you would t be reading this. 

It's just a proven fact that time out doesn't work given the cognitive abilities your child has. 

It might make you feel better (and don't feel guilty if you do!)to see your child sitting or standing in the corner on the rare occasion they'll listen but they don't learn anything from it and it usually adds to the problem, fanning the flame as it were. 

I know what you're thinking “WAIT! My best weapon in my arsenal is being taking away? What the hell am I suppose to do now?!!” 

Yes, time out needs to go out the window and never return. Instead we’re going to offer them breaks. As you're reading the explanation of this method I developed you'll see it sort of mirrors time out and I can almost guarantee you won't want to try it all. 

So “breaks”. They can happy anywhere. Home, the mall, restaurants, basically any place you take your kids and there's at least one place they can sit on the floor or ground. 

So let's say Edward is refusing to clean up a mess he created? Firstly- DON’T YOU DARE CLEAN THAT MESS UP! If your child has the ability to make the mess they use those same fine motor skills to clean up. 

So back to Edward. You asked twice and he either ignores you or flat out refuses and has a tantrum. Stop! Tantrums are fine! Children think of they yell and cry loud enough they can get out what is being asked of them. 

If a tantrum occurs, let it happen. As long as your child is in a place where they are safe it isn't going to hurt them. 

Do not let Edward know this bothers you. Keep your voice calm and level at all costs (it's going to take practice) and tell Edward calmly he has until the count of 3 to clean up his toys. If by 3 he doesn't he will have to sit on a designated area on the floor with a book or puzzle. No, this isn't rewarding him. You're giving him the choice between 2 activities he probably never would pick on his own. 

Give Edward a moment. If he recovers, awesome. And by recovering I don't mean he stops the tantrum and you clean up. I mean he stops the tantrum and cleans up. If can do this celebrate that although you can see he doesn't like it you're happy and proud he is doing it. 

If the tantrum hasn't stopped, in a calm but firm tone tell that's one. Count to ten in your mind. If it hasn't stopped count 2. DO NOT REPEAT WITH EACH NUMBER WHAT HE HAS TO DO! He knows otherwise he wouldn't know he didn't want to do it. 

If the tantrum hasn't stopped by 3 let Edward know you're taking him to the calm area. Scoops him up or pick him up by his trunk and place him on that designated are with a book or a puzzle that doesn't have have a lot of pieces. 

Chances are Edward will push whatever you give him away and this is fine. He wants you to loose your cool and give up. By pushing away whatever you gave him he's trying to control the situation. Just leave whatever it was, don't hand it back to him countless numbers of times. 

Make sure Edward knows he controls how long he stays away from what he was doing. 

This is what makes this different from time out. The child controls when they get up and go about their business. But they have to be ready and calm.

I've had students where this last 2 seconds and they are back in control of their own emotions and last as long as 2 hours because the child wanted me to be frustrated by the fact they won't get up. 

When your child is ready ask about what happened. Ask them if they know why they had to take a break. When the child is involved they are 90% more likely to remember what happened. If they can identify what went wrong and how they can fix it let them go about their day as normal. If they can’t remind them in a calm even tone what happened and bring them back to area and repeat the process. 

This will work of you are consistent with it AND don't take everything your child does as a personal attack on you. 

Questions? Need advice? Email me at johnnygaga86@gmail.com