Hello

Adele’s new song “Hello” has opened up a river wounds I thought had long sense scarred over. 

I make light of me being homosexual as a way to show people you need not be afraid and it honestly doesn't make me any more different from them. But the end of that sentence is a lie. 

The pond of fish I have to fish from is so small it might as well be a puddle.

I could go on for pages about how shallow, vapid and self centered gay men are but I'm not in the habit of wasting time. 

Adele’s new song reminded me of two former relationships.

The first felt as though I finally got to live the fairy tale. He was tall, dark, and handsome and for added allure foreign. At the time it was like he was magic. He brought with him things I had never seen or dared to dream about and he made me feel like I had worth, that I was beautiful and desirable.

I can honestly say since the day he abruptly left America there hasn't been a day where I don't think of him or wonder what he is doing. 

I can remember his scent. It was this ridiculously named cologne named Joop!  I can't still feel his arms around me and hear the German he would whisper in my ear as we just laid together and for once time stopped. 

He asked me to marry him. I said yes without hesitation and then he was gone. 

Then I think of Tom. An ex marine who I thought was my second chance I wasn't suppose to have. 

I met Tom working on a Friday pay. I would catch him staring at me from across the weird yoga studio we all had to rehearse in. I figured he was trying to piece together some intellectual insult about my appearance but I was wrong. He was staring at me because he wanted me and shortly after this took me on a date. 

I found Tom ridiculously adorable and he threw around money like it was trash. He took me like places I only dreamed of going and showered me in gifts. Then that stopped. He slowly turned into a completely angry vile person finding more and more faults with me and trying to keep track of my finances, which as a teacher are just enough to to pay the bills.

Funny coincidence- I never got to say goodbye to either one of them. No, as far as I know they aren't dead and I hope they have found happiness in their lives.

But like Adele I would like to say Hello from the other side so they too know I survived and I'm ok with just me.